Coping with exam season when bereaved

The following information has been put together by one of our Psychological Services Practitioners to help support young people who have been bereaved and those close to them during the exam season.

Exam season is here, with many young people taking SATs, GCSEs, AS and A Levels, amongst others. It can be a stressful and emotional time to deal with, made so much harder if you are grieving. The bereavement may be recent, or a past grief may be brought up again with the demands of exam period, making revision feel daunting and exams impossible to sit through. These feelings are very normal, and while nothing can take away the uncomfortable feelings, there may be things you can do to help yourself, or the young person in your life.

It’s OK not to be OK 

You will likely be experiencing a lot of emotions at this point, and may not feel like you are doing your absolute best. You may be finding revision harder than ever, or wondering how you will be able to complete exams at all. As you will have possibly heard before, any feelings you are experiencing are OK, and there is no right way to feel when grieving. Try to take each feeling as it arrives, and know it is temporary.

Inform the school 

If you feel comfortable, share what has happened with the school. There are provisions that can be put in place, from someone to speak to and look out for you, to separate rooms to take the exam in. Some exam boards also give special considerations, like extra time, in some circumstances, so be sure to talk to the school as early as possible so they can apply for you.

Make a plan 

It can feel overwhelming to try and fit in all the revision amongst all your feelings. When you are grieving your brain is busy processing the emotions you are feeling, and so finds it harder to hold information and schedules. Try to write down and plan as much as you can so your brain doesn’t have to hold it. Work out when your most productive times of day are and use those times to study, and do other self-care activities in the times you naturally feel tired or distracted. Keeping to a routine and being consistent is helpful in times of uncertainty, so stick to it as much as feels right for you.

Look after yourself 

It is easy when things get busy and stressful to forget the basics, such as eating, sleeping, and movement. These things can help with your physical and mental wellbeing, so do try and plan times to do these things alongside your revision. Eat healthily, get as much sleep as you need, and take walks and move your body to release stress. If you belong to a gym, or have hobbies that you are involved with, do keep them up as much as you can.

Find little comforts 

When things are hard and you are feeling overwhelmed, it is important to try and find the good things wherever you can. Look for and create glimmers, small moments that give us hope and make us feel safe, throughout the day. Play your favourite calming music, give yourself a small treat, notice the sunshine outside, spend time with pets. Be as kind to yourself as possible, and celebrate the small wins.

Remember in your own way

You may want to have something that reminds you of the person to take with you into exams, like a special piece of jewellery, or a small item that fits in your pocket. It is important to confirm you are not breaking any exam rules with the item you are bringing, check with the school if you are not sure.

If the bereavement is recent, it may be difficult to be able to attend all the events, such as the funeral or memorials, due to the exam schedule. Exams unfortunately cannot be moved even in these circumstances, but there are often other considerations that can be made. If a memorial event coincides with an exam, be aware of how you may be feeling that day and make the school and exam board aware. You may want to find other times and other ways to remember the person who died, like visiting their favourite place, planting a tree, going for a meal, and there will likely be other family members who would want to join you.

On the other hand, you may be so busy that you find you don’t remember your grief during periods of intense revision or study. This is also OK, and doesn’t mean you cared about the person any less, it just means our brains can only hold so much at once! You can remember in your own way, and in your own time, once the stress of exams has passed.

Identify people you can talk to

It is helpful to let your feelings out and to talk with people who you trust. This could be a family member, friend, or staff member at the school. Let them know how you are feeling, so they can support you the best they can. If you don’t feel comfortable talking with the people in your life, there are other places for support such as Winston’s Wish, Child Bereavement UK, or our Family Support Team at St Nicholas Hospice. You are not alone, and there are people you can talk to if you are struggling.

Along with our own services for Children and young people, details of which can be found by clicking here. There are other organisations which may be able to offer support:

• Child Bereavement UK Helpline: 0800 02 888 40
• Winston’s Wish: 08088 020 021