Supporting children who have been bereaved on Father’s Day

Father’s Day is a day where we celebrate the men who are fathers and father figures to us. However, for a child or young person whose father or father figure has died, it is likely to be a challenging day, full of feelings that might be difficult for them to manage.

If you are the parent of, related to, or work with a child who has been bereaved in this way, these tips and ideas may help.

Be aware of Puddle Jumping

It may be hard to know how children are feeling, especially young children, as they seem to change from ‘happy’ to ‘sad’ very quickly. This is known as Puddle Jumping and it is a child’s way of coping with the big and uncomfortable feelings that come when someone close to them has died. Father’s Day may be a day where they jump in and out of these puddles of sad feelings more than usual. This might be confusing for the adults around them, who go tend to go through their feelings slower. However, by being alongside a child through these changes in mood, and showing them all feelings are welcome with you, children will learn how to regulate themselves with your support.

Father’s Day activities

A lot of schools, nurseries, and childcare groups have Father’s Day activities around this time, such as making cards and gifts for fathers. This can bring up complicated feelings in children who have been bereaved in this way.

If you work in one of these places, you can of course still run these activities but be aware of any children who this may affect. Give the child a choice if they want to take part in these activities: some won’t, but some will still want to be included. You may want to give the option to make a card for another father figure in the child’s life, a grandparent, uncle, or family friend, or to still make one for dad. Communicate with the family if you can, to see if they have any thoughts and to prepare them for any feelings that may come from the activity.

If you are the family member of the child, do get in touch with the school if you are concerned these activities will take place. You may want to prepare your child beforehand, and check in with them afterwards to see how it went. If your child makes a card or gift for dad, decide if you want to take it to the gravesite or a special place, put it in a memory box, or otherwise honour it the way the child wants.

Invite conversation

It is very hard to miss when an event such as Father’s Day happens, as there are reminders everywhere: in shops, in marketing emails, in general conversation with others who have plans. So it is likely the child or young person is aware the day is coming up, even if they don’t mention it.

If you are a family member of the child or young person, have the conversation with them about the day as early as you can at a time that’s relaxed. How are they feeling about the day? What would they like to do that day? Is there anything we can do to make the day easier? The child or young person may not be able to answer straight away, or may not know how they are feeling, but will know that they are not on their own and can come to you about it later on if they need.

If you are another adult in the child’s life, be open to questions or concerns that they may have, as they may come to you as someone outside the family for a neutral response. If it feels appropriate, ask questions about their dad, and for some of the child’s favourite memories. It may not be a long conversation, remember the tendency for puddle jumping, but it may be enough for the young person to feel heard.

Mark in your own way

If it feels right, you may want to mark the day and remember dad together in your family. This could be visiting his grave or memorial site, going out for dinner at his favourite place, or creating something in his memory like a picture, plant, or card. Look at photos and reminisce about special or funny moments together, or listen to some of dad’s favourite music. Ask the child or young person what they remember most about dad, they may have some ideas you would have never thought of and it will help give them some agency during a time that feels out of their control.

Give time and space and support

It’s likely the child or young person will be feeling lots of things this Father’s Day, and may not be able to verbally express it, or know themselves, what they feel and what they need. Just allow for this, and hold their feelings as best you can. Give the child or young person a space to talk when they choose to, this may be during busy or unexpected moments so be prepared, and validate their feelings as best as you can. Spend some quality time together over the day if possible, which may or may not include remembrance activities, but always give the option to change their mind if it feels too much on the day.

Look after yourself too

If you are the family member of a child who’s been bereaved it is likely you are also affected by this bereavement. Take the time you need to grieve yourself; Father’s Day can be a hard day and if you need the time and space to process it then do take it. This will also help you manage the child’s feelings easier if you have had the time to process your own, and will show the young person it is OK to feel their feelings too.

How we can help

For more information on the support and services we provide for children and young people who have been bereaved, please click here.

If you think you may benefit from some peer support, the Hospice runs Bereavement Cafés at various locations across the community. Some take place on a weekly basis, while others run every two weeks. Our Bereavement Cafés are spaces where people can talk about the pain of loss and also find courage and strength in knowing they are not alone.

On the first Saturday of each month, between 10.30am and 12.30pm our Heartfelt group meets at the Hospice’s Hardwick Lane Site in Bury St Edmunds. Heartfelt creates a drop-in space for mutual support and engagement.

Some other places you can go for advice and support:

Child Bereavement UK: 0800 02 888 40

Winston’s Wish:  Bereavement Support for Children 08088 020 021