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Grieving on Mother’s Day
There are certain days in the year that may be more emotional and overwhelming when you are grieving.
Mother’s Day could be one of those days for you or someone you know. If you are grieving for your mother or someone you felt to be a mother, know that it’s okay to feel all the emotions you are experiencing.
It can be a day of mixed emotions and knowing who you can turn to if you are not coping can be helpful. We encourage you to find someone to talk to if you want to talk, to find a quiet place if you want to be on your own and to share memories if you want to remember the happy times.
Caroline shares her story and how the loss of her mother continues to affect her.
“When my Mum died 10 years ago it was a huge shock and changed my life immeasurably; I did not, however, appreciate how Mother’s Day would affect me.
“Every year I get through her birthday because this is a private date, so I can grieve with those who are close to me in my own personal way. Mother’s Day, however, is a huge commercial event: I avoid the supermarket for the week preceding, as seeing all the cards and gifts that I used to spend hours choosing for her can be really upsetting.
“Hearing my friends tell me what they are doing with their mums on that day makes me feel sad and lonely, made worse by pictures constantly popping up on social media of others spending the day with their mums.
“I appreciate that not everyone has a good relationship with their mum, and I can only imagine what Mother’s Day must feel like for them.
“I have now had ten Mother’s Days without my Mum…Does it get easier? I don’t think it does. Do I get through the day? Yes.
“I am a mum myself, so I am on the receiving end of cards and chocolates. I think this helps a little, but it does not stop me from missing my own mum and I don’t think it ever will.”
Tips on getting through Mother’s Day
- Take extra care of yourself. Easier said than done, but even ten minutes out of your day can help as the day gets closer. For some people the month before can feel harder than the actual day. The anticipation can be exhausting! If you are juggling multiple roles, being a parent yourself, a partner or an employee, let others know what you might need. If you don’t know what you need ask someone who knows you really well for suggestions.
- If you choose to mark the day, could you have a celebration, a special meal or go to their favourite place? If that’s too hard, perhaps start a new tradition, find a new place to go and remember them.
- Perhaps do something creative on your own or with others, try writing a poem or a letter, creating a memory or photo board or go for a walk and be around nature.
- If you are grieving the loss of the possibility of having a better relationship with your mother, it’s okay to feel angry and confused. It may be hard to make sense of your feelings, so reach out if you need to.
- Take the day at your pace and take the pressure off by not placing unrealistic expectations on yourself, whatever you decide to do is okay, and if others disagree take a deep breath and still do what you need to do.
- Whatever you decide to do, try not to commit to too much as you may not feel up to a particular activity on the day – give yourself a get-out option if you suddenly decide you need to do something different.
How we can help
If you think you may benefit from some peer support, the Hospice runs Bereavement Cafés at various locations across the community. Some take place on a weekly basis, while others run every two weeks. Our Bereavement Cafés are spaces where people can talk about the pain of loss and also find courage and strength in knowing they are not alone.
On the first Saturday of each month, between 10.30am and 12.30pm our Heartfelt group meets at the Hospice’s Hardwick Lane Site in Bury St Edmunds. Heartfelt creates a drop-in space for mutual support and engagement.
Other organisations which may be able to offer support include:
Samaritans: 116 123
Text SHOUT: to 85258
Cruse helpline: 0808 808 1677